Illusions Cabaret - June 2002

The drive up impression of Illusions Cabaret in Dallas immediately sets your expectations that you are in for an evening of the finest entertainment.  Although perhaps not as opulent as other upscale clubs, its stone exterior speaks a quite elegance.  You might not guess this is perhaps the finest gentleman’s club in the DFW area rivaling even those in LA, Orlando or Las Vegas.  The elegant lobby with its marble floors, rich woods and glass inlay doors boasts not of the entertainers inside but foremost of its world-class chef.  The hostesses strictly enforce the dress code and you’ll want to look your best for what awaits inside.

Of course, the refined setting will only distract you slightly from the goddesses it frames.  Upscale gentlemen’s clubs tend to attract the finest women entertainers so it is not too surprising that the finest club in Dallas hosts the finest ladies in the metroplex.  Every club claims to have the finest or most beautiful women but these ladies are truly rare.  I’ve been to the club many times and I am always struck by the beauty and, important to me, class of these women.  More than once I’ve walked in and swore there was Bridget Fonda, Liv Tyler and Anna Nicole Smith all on stage.  The main room is configured with a central main stage and two side stages.  The main stage is large and gives the dancers plenty of room to show off their moves accented by synchronized lights and lasers from overhead.  The two side stages are smaller and slightly lower than the main stage.  Each has a center support pole and is open on all sides.  These ladies aren’t just drop-dead gorgeous and talented dancers,  I’ve met some of the sweetest and most interesting people there.  The women are all anxious to sit and talk with you – another personal preference for this critic.  While they are all there to make money, the “hustle factor” is low-key at best.  It is the only club I’ve ever been to where every single entertainer was courteous to me even if I wasn’t tipping them or buying them drinks.  There are so many beautiful and interesting women there it would be hard to name them all but my highest compliments (and large chunks of my wallet) go out to Claudette, Heidi, Ms. Toni, and, of course the exquisite starlet, Quinn.  Your mileage may vary.

As with everything else, the wait staff is top-notch as well.  When the club first opened I experienced some spottiness some nights but management seems to have worked most of that out in the opening weeks.  If you can get Nicole (day) or Kirstina (night), you can be assured of quality service by an oh-so-charming angel.  They are perhaps the best waitresses I’ve had at any restaurant.  I mention them also because they can be one of your best assets in the club to help acquaint you with the many amenities of the club as well as get you the drinks and entertainers you desire.

The fine décor and finer women coupled with excellent service would be enough to make this one of the best gentlemen’s clubs in town but what propels Illusions to set a new standard for upscale clubs is the outstanding cuisine.  Their world-renown and award-wining chef François Keller presents a sumptuous selection of fine cuisine.  The menu is simple yet varied to suit all tastes from salads to steak and prime rib to seafood.  There is an excellent wine list to accompany any meal.  While many upscale clubs have a great menu and decent food, this may be the first five star restaurant that also has topless entertainers.  There is a great selection of appetizers available as well if you aren’t up for a full meal.  Those sterling waitresses I mentioned above have even been known to get me and my guests things not listed on the menu when I just had a craving for something odd.

After a fine meal, you might want to visit their walk-in humidor offering the finest cigars at really reasonable prices.  You might think all this describes the VIP room – and in most clubs it does -- but Illusions Executive Area upstairs raises the bar up another notch.  As you walk up the stairs, you can’t help but notice the brushed steel and Italian hand blown glass chandelier overhead.  You might miss it if you choose to take the executive elevator.  The executive area surrounds and overlooks the main floor with the same discreet elegance as the main club but a bit more reserved.  Besides the elegant marble tables and high back chairs, you can also sit by the stone fireplace or even in the exclusive non-smoking area.  This is another example of an innovation that shows Illusions is not just another upscale club.  Some people may not even notice the state of the art air filtration system keeping the club virtually smoke-free even upstairs but it’s one of the many amenities that sets Illusions apart from the rest.  Executive membership includes extended club privileges including unlimited guests, better drinks, concierge attention and more.

If you are looking for the place to entertain and impress clients, then you can do no better than Illusions’ unique Sky Boxes. These are separately themed rooms in the executive area that overlook the main floor but provide enough soundproofing that you can hold a conversation.  Each sky box has its own set of high tech plasma TVs which you can set to any number of channels, including close circuit viewing of the main stage.  They are the ideal blend of privacy without taking you away from the excitement of the main club.  It’s the perfect place to combine a business discussion over a fine dinner with exquisite eye candy and private dances for dessert.  Tyler, the executive concierge, is a remarkable liaison who can help set up a five star evening to run flawlessly as well as assist with local and out of town arrangements.  Really want to impress a client?  Ask Tyler about the club’s heliport.

What’s missing from this seemingly ideal nightspot for the discerning gentleman?  On many nights its customers.  That can be a good thing if you are like me and like to avoid crowds.  It’s also good if you are reading this and want to get in early on this club scene.  Of course, more customers will mean more girls so things will get even better.  I know as word gets around this club will get busy fast.  While some of the managers are quite good, a couple are little more than bouncers in tuxedoes.  There’s a reason why these guys aren’t working at the other upscale clubs and hopefully upper management will wise up fast.  I was surprised to encounter a ”manager” who was downright rude; in the executive area no less.  Some of the special events they tried during the Grand Opening in April were good and I’d like to see more of that just to keep things interesting.  I’d like to see them do something special for happy hour and perhaps other incentives for certain weeknights or bachelor parties.  The customer base just isn’t there yet for adopting a take-it-or-leave-it haughtiness.  Upscale customers need a very good reason to leave their long haunts and the other clubs aren’t likely to give up those clients without a fight.  Illusions has the amenities and personnel to win out over these other clubs but do they have the imagination?  A good magician knows a good illusion is as much patter as props.

Illusions Cabaret isn’t just an upscale gentleman’s club. It is the new standard for upscale gentlemen’s clubs.  It has been most interesting to watch them as they have opened up and dealt with the usual challenges of opening a new club.  The high standards they have set for themselves pay off for the discerning customer.  If you haven’t been to Illusions Cabaret yet then you are cheating yourself out of a memorable evening.  They are great for lunch too; but I find it so hard to go back to work that it’s almost dangerous.  If nothing else, you’ll want to have one of the managers give you a tour of the place just to say you’ve been there. The fine setting, great music, cigar and drink selections, attentive staff and, of course, those vivacious and scintillating goddesses at your table may make you wonder if this is heaven or an Illusion.

Ben Celeb
SOB Critic

Comments? benceleb@dfwnites.com